she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
