Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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