I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
