i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize