im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
