Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i wish my penis had a tongue
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
