you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ttyl tear gas
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
