He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
