Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
