I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize