Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
