How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
