My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
