then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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