I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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