The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
