You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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