i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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