so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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