What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
