I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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