i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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