I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
