I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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