I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
