I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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