i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
