My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
