i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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