Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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