420 ftw
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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