if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
