so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your penis caused this!
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