how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the condom got lost in my hair
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
