You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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