i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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