Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
