my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
