His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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