Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize