just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
