I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
