last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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