I just threw up on my dentist
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
