I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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