you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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