My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
