Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
