I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
