For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
jump out the window naked night went bad
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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