He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
