Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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