I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
