Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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