had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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