I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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