Who did Billy Mays play for?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
