Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
