his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hippo gnu deer
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
