Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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