This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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