Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
