i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
