im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
