just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
where are you?
Hypothermia
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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