im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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