I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
