Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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