apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
