Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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