I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
