Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
